J’aurai aimé savoir tout ça au début de ma vie …

Comme à chaque fois que mon anniversaire approche à grands pas et donc que je m’apprête à souffler une bougie de plus, je psychote, je me pose 1000 & 1 questions sur ma vie, les années écoulées, les années à venir, ce que j’aurai aimé avoir comme pré – requis, ce que j’ai déjà … Bref, du NFK tout craché !!

Jean – Paul Sartre a dit que ” Tout a été pensé, excepté comment vivre ” … Il n’a que trop raison !

J’aurai bientôt 20 + x ans … Je déteste parler de mon âge, car je pense sérieusement (à tort?) que je vieillis … Bon, calmos, je m’égare là …

Je soufflerai donc dans quelques jours mes 2… bougies. Et je crois avoir fait le deuil des erreurs accomplies dans ma vie … Cependant, il y a certaines choses que j’aurai aimé apprendre bien auparavant et que je ne sais que maintenant …

Est – ce que ça aurait changé quelque chose aujourd’hui ? Peut – être, peut – être pas … J’aurai pu / dû être moins impulsive, moins belliqueuse, ou, a contrario, moins patiente, conciliante et / ou compréhensive, ça m’aurait peut – être évité de vivre certaines situations … J’aurai pu / dû faire d’autres choix, mais je pense qu’alors je n’aurai pas eu l’expérience (si minime soit – elle) que j’ai aujourd’hui, ni rencontré autant de gens fabuleux (ou pas) !

S’il y a bien une constante dans ma vie d’aujourd’hui, c’est que toutes les choses que j’ai faites ou que je suis en train de faire et qui me semblent dures, me serviront … Le dur labeur paie sur la durée, me dit – on souvent … Chaque petit bout de travail que j’ai effectué en rechignant, ça me servira, si ce n’est pas déjà le cas.

Et s’il y a bien une autre chose que je ne regrette nullement d’avoir continuée, c’est l’écriture. Bien des personnes se sont moquées (gentiment ou avec une pointe de méchanceté) de ma propension à écrire sur tout et n’importe quoi, de ma petite ” bulle ” que j’alimente si consciencieusement de posts insipides, j’ai tenu bon ! Ça ne sert peut – être à rien d’écrire pour certains, mais pour moi qui ai toujours aimé ça, l’écriture est mon élixir et contribue pour une large part à faire de moi la Ndèye Fatou Kane que je suis aujourd’hui, avec mes insuffisances, mes défauts et mes failles …

Et plus j’avance en âge et en maturité (j’espère), j’apprends à dé – dramatiser, à relativiser … Ces situations qui m’angoissent au point de provoquer des insomnies ou une perte d’appétit, elles s’estomperont à un moment ou à un autre, jusqu’à devenir de lointains souvenirs …

Et je suis aujourd’hui plus que jamais convaincue que toutes ces erreurs que je suis sur le point de faire en valent le coup … Je n’ai certes plus 18 ans, mais il faut passer par certaines étapes de la vie pour apprécier celle – ci à sa juste valeur …

J’aime ma vie d’aujourd’hui, même si je me plains souvent qu’il me manque ceci ou cela, je ne l’échangerai contre aucune autre au monde …

Bonne lecture !


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