La fin du monde est pour la semaine prochaine, d’après les Mayas. Y’a pas un Sénégalais pour y croire

Lu par 167683 Boytown

Selon des rumeurs de plus en plus dingues sur la toile, l’humanité n’en a plus que pour six jours. Ce sont les Mayas qui l’annoncent, d’après les cancans intersidéraux. Ben quoi, les Mayas ? Vous savez bien, ces Indiens d’Amérique centrale que la cupidité de l’Occident a décimés, auxquels on prête une science pointue de l’astrologie, entre autres sciences occultes.

Eh bien, selon «radiotrottoir», le calendrier maya nous prédit la fin des temps pile poil vendredi prochain, le 21 décembre 2012. Cette funeste prédiction est basée sur un prétendu alignement néfaste du soleil avec le centre de la Voie lactée. Et donc, l’Apocalypse que tous les Livres nous annoncent depuis des millénaires est là, sous la forme d’une inversion des pôles magnétiques (allez savoir ce que ça veut dire), ou plus brutalement, une collision entre la terre et une autre planète, programmée pour mettre un terme à l’aventure humaine.

L’heure exacte n’est pas confirmée, mais vous savez bien, au Sénégal, on fera tout pour ne pas être ponctuels. Même pour une embauche, un vrai Sénégalais (généralement Wolof du centre) resté longtemps au chômage s’arrangera toujours pour arriver en retard. Et il vous expliquera que c’est le sort qu’on lui a jeté depuis l’enfance. Alors, vous pensez bien que pour la fin des temps, ce n’est pas au Sénégal qu’on y sera en avance…

Moi, je suis quand même épaté : nos compatriotes qui sont si friands de prédictions, et gobent n’importe quoi, pourvu qu’il n’y ait pas d’explication rationnelle, n’avalent pas un traître mot de cette affaire. Pape Jean Fall, qui distribue ses prédictions sur serveur vocal (on n’arrête pas le progrès) tente bien de nous expliquer comment la terre tourne autour du soleil qui ne chauffe pas tous les postérieurs de la même manière, mais qui l’écoute ? Selbé Ndom qu’on croit sur parole, certes, cette fois-ci, n’est pas dans le coup.

Ses apocalypses sont plus chirurgicales : c’est juste un aéronef qui pique du nez sur quelques étudiants. Ou la chute d’un géant de la taille de Yékini sur le côté gauche. C’est une manière de fin du monde aussi pour le petit monde interlope qui lui gravite autour…

Si ce n’était que ça… Non, y’a parfois les khoyes de Malango qui s’y collent. Tous les ans, ils éliminent un homme de Dieu. Espèce particulièrement rare dans un pays peuplé à 85% de, heu, musulmans et 10% de chrétiens. La mort d’un homme de Dieu, dans ce contexte, effectivement, relève de l’accident rarissime. Ils prédisent aussi les criquets pèlerins, l’hivernage pluvieux et les familles qui pataugent dans les eaux jusqu’aux hanches qui s’ajoutent aux fléaux traditionnels. Epidémies diverses, morts brutales… On a toujours bu ces petites misères comme du petit lait, du moment que la fin des temps n’était pas là. On a beau respecter les cinq piliers de l’islam, faut pas pousser trop fort vers le Jugement dernier. Sait-on jamais ? Qui peut jurer qu’il n’a pas commis la faute capitale ? Vous savez bien, entre les regards qui s’égarent sur la croupe de la voisine mariée à plus chanceux, les menus larcins dans la caisse de la tontine, les parjures quotidiens pour sauver la pitance…

En remontant plus loin, on peut citer comme prédicateur, pardon, oiseau de mauvais augure, Serigne Mbacké Ndiaye, qui a lu dans sa boule de cristal avant tout le monde que le Pds perdrait le pouvoir et que ça barderait pour les postérieurs ministériels. Il prédisait la paille humide des cachots pour la plupart. On lui a ri au nez… Là, l’étau se resserre : Oumar Sarr, Ousmane Ngom et Samuel Sarr prennent leurs habitudes à la gendarmerie de Colobane. Karim Wade, qui faisait des sauts de puce pour rallier Dubaï, Londres, Paris et New-York en jet privé, les doigts de pieds en éventail, là, n’arrive même pas à franchir le poste de police de Dakar Yoff pour se rendre à Abidjan. Et il n’exigeait même pas de passer par le Salon d’Honneur. Si on lui prédit que la fin du monde c’est pour la semaine qui vient, il ne démentira pas. La planète n’est déjà plus la même, il le constate ! Et, on allait l’oublier : y’a Sindiély Wade qui s’est évaporée. Faudrait pas la chercher dans le désert du rallye des gazelles ?

Passons sur la charretée de privilégiés de la Wadie, dont le monde s’est effondré depuis le 25 mars 2012. Fauchés, fatigués, vilipendés et stressés en permanence depuis neuf mois, eux, ils ne sentiront pas la collision des deux planètes, ils sont déjà morts virtuellement…

C’est sans doute cela, l’exception sénégalaise.

Dernière minute : des chercheurs américains viennent de découvrir d’après le décryptage des parchemins mayas, toujours, qu’on en a encore pour …7000 ans. Ah, ça aurait été chouette, le Jugement dernier dans huit jours. Quoi, vous n’aurez pas terminé vos bienfaits et vos ablutions ?

sudonline

Lu par 167683 Boytown

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